Celebrity Clients 2

I started my list of the rich and famous a while ago, and as promised here is an expansion of some of the celeb-based people I have worked with, around or over. (Never under – Kurt Silverwood never works under anybody, no matter how many fancy sports cars they have. Let’s make that clear!)

Hugh Hefner

I wasn’t really aware of who Hugh was; what he dealt in; or why he was famous before I worked in his mansion. He hired me to go deep undercover, pretending to be one of the thirty pool-boys he employs (young men paid to fish excrement and other business out of swimming pools) so that I could spy on one of the maids whom he had suspicions was thieving from him. I found the whole case incredibly distracting and was eventually fired when Hugh found me deep undercover with one of his female friends! (The word “undercover” being used as an innuendo for having sex under the sheets of a bed.)

Simon Cowell

Si (or “Psy” as he likes it to be pronounced, on the basis that he thinks he’s “a little bit psychic” – not that it makes a difference because it’s phonetically identical!) is a difficult man. His eyes burn with a deep money-lust; churning young hopefuls on his talent-show conveyor belt to produce empty shelled corpses. I was given the task of casing his five favourite stalkers and ranking them out of ten on looks, intelligence and insanity – his eventual goal being to use the highest scorer as either a lover or another flash-in-the-pan pop star. I was fired when Simon found me undercover with all of five of the stalkers... Oh I’ve used that already.

Gary Lineker

I’ll admit to making a terrible faux pas when chatting to Gary Lineker for the first time. He sat down in my office and I immediately demanded that he take off the novelty ears. He laughed and told me that he’d heard some very similar jibes in the past. I had no idea what he was talking about, and persisted in making him take off the joke ears. He told me to leave it, that a joke was a joke and it was wearing thin now. I told him that I was a professional and I wouldn’t conduct an interview with a man in fancy dress as a gremlin. He left without even discussing what he wanted.

Katie Price

I’m not entirely sure what Katie Price is, but I can categorically say that she’s very good at being it. She is the only person I have seen keep up a pout for three hours straight without breaking, even when talking. She informed me of how she was an incredibly private person before showing me her back catalogue of photo shoots and television shows. A film crew were present throughout the whole conversation, recording a documentary or reality show or some bollocks, so I was uncomfortable with the scenario and asked whether we could continue over the phone. She never got back to me.

Morgan Freeman

I’m not legally allowed to comment on the case that I was involved in with Mr Freeman, but what I can say is that it consisted of half a tuna sandwich, three bottles of hair mousse and a lava lamp. I’ll say no more.

This list is nowhere near exhausted and I’ll update it in the future. I’ve come to realise that celebrities are like ambulance chasers – annoying as Hell until you need one to help pay the rent for your accommodation/work place.

Kurt Silverwood P.I.