Curriculum Vitae

During late 2004, I ran into financial struggles so fierce that they forced me to look for regular employment or face homelessness. (I say “homelessness”; I was actually living in a charming caravan outside of my office at the time. Long story short, that caravan was clamped for obstructing a B road and was towed away, forcing me to move into the office I now sleep in, a fact that my landlord doesn’t know and shall not find out.) Alas, here is the Curriculum Vitae (or Resume for our friends across the pond) that so many of you use. I hope you can take some tips from it to increase your own chances of finding work, in what I hear are tough times.

Kurt Silverwood P.I.

KURT HERATIO SILVERWOOD

Layman. Hero. Enigma.

PROFILE

A spritely, eager and active applicant in his early-to-late thirties, Kurt Silverwood has the strong and defined personality of a man who can refer to himself in the third person without seeming pretentious.

A bold character growing up in St Cecilia’s Orphanage for Unwanted Burdens, Kurt first started showing his true prowess when he set up a protection racquet to exploit help his younger classmates. Protecting the meek and the feeble whilst picking fights with the larger lads projected Kurt as a regular Robin Hood amongst his peers (though admittedly not great with a bow and arrow).

 Unafraid of anything (apart from the supernatural and eczema) Kurt has spent a large proportion of his adult life solving crimes, completing puzzles and deducing duces as part of his own business “KURT SILVERWOOD PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR”. Through running his own business Kurt has taken on the roles of Manager, Assistant Manager, Secretary, Caretaker, Cook, Hair-dresser/Barber, Lover and Counsellor within the industry. His line of work has also led to him necessitating “cover jobs” where he can go incognito when casing a joint, allowing him to pick up skills and experience throughout his colourful life.  

PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT

BIG OL’ BUNS BAKERY        June 1984 – Aug 1984

Duties included kneading, baking and keeping the manager’s wife sexually satisfied. (Resigned due to differences of opinion on roles with Manager)

DEVON PIGGOTS’ FLORIST      April 1991 – May 1991

Duties included filling vases with water. Later promoted within the company to Vase Emptying position.

TRAMP SWEEPER INC.          Aug 1996 – Jan 1997

Duties included moving on homeless people from doorways of shops and bus-shelters, rinsing them down with warm water and clearing up any excrement left in the process.

DOOR-TO-DOOR DOOR SALESMEN  Sept 2000 – Sept 2000

Duties included selling doors, door-to-door.

HOROSCOPE WRITER            May 2002 - Present

Freelance Horoscope writing – with a twist. I produce my own brand of astrological forecasting called “Horror Scope” which predicts truly awful, gruesome and often disturbing events in the immediate future.

OTHER                       1984 – Present

Duties include other stuff.

EDUCATION

Due to the exceptional circumstances of my life, I refused to sit any official examinations as a teenager and as such have no qualifications to speak of. However this reference from a past-teacher will answer any quandaries about my curricular achievements and prove his cerebral worth.

“Kurt Silverwood was one of the most terrifyingly intelligent boys I have ever taught. His mind moved in ways I could not fathom and to which still perplex and trouble me today. He had the cold, glassy stare of someone constantly mulling ideas in his head. I and my colleagues all agreed that he had the potential to be something marvellous or something completely abominable during adulthood.”

-   Prof. Julian Hart

SKILLS

Charmer – I can get anything I want just by fluttering my eyelashes and pulling down my blouse slightly (humour).

Writer – I have invented more similes than someone hired to create similes.

Exorcism – Although the supernatural unnerves me, I feel I have the innate powers to eradicate demons and quell evil.

REFERENCES

All references are available upon request.