Hierarchy of the Cutlery Drawer

Whilst rummaging through the drawers of a potential suspect at the weekend (not intended as a euphemism), a thought struck me so hard that it nearly shot through the back of my head to leave me dumbfounded and debilitated.

“Kurt?” I asked myself.

“Yes?” I replied.

“Which is the most important utensil within the cutlery drawer?”

“What a fantastic question!”

“Thank you!”

“Don’t mention it.”

So I’ve compiled a short hierarchical list ranking the utensils which we use daily inside the drawer that every homeowner owns (apart from me, for I don’t own a home with which to own a cutlery drawer to own cutlery, but that’s beside the point...).

6. The Teaspoon (Cannon Fodder)

The teaspoon is the lowest ranked within the cutlery drawer as it serves little purpose than stirring tea. Sure, the effeminate may use it as dinky utensil for scooping yoghurt out of smaller cartons, but the teaspoon’s main function is in the assistance of manufacturing a hot beverage. The size of it alone proves that it’s less than a formidable foe and is most certainly the bitch of the drawer – probably teased (pun) for being the shortest and least attractive of the lot.

5. The Dessert Spoon (Mother Goose)

The dessert spoon is a sumptuous, curvaceous and buxom utensil that, if it put on a bit of lippy, would probably get the rest of the drawer whooping and hollering like divorced men at a strip-club. But the dessert spoon doesn’t flaunt her sexy assets and instead chooses to adopt a much more mumsy role in the kitchen. Misused, mishandled and mistreated nobody really knows where she’s meant to be go or where she’s meant to be. If only she’d hike up that skirt or maybe show a bit of cleavage, the dessert spoon has the potential to get a little more attention. But until then she’s only good for wiping the tears from the cheeks of the put-upon teaspoon. Oh, and for eating dessert.

4. The Table Spoon (The Wife Beater)

Tall. Strong. Masculine. You know where you stand with the table spoon. It’s no nonsense attitude to all scoop-based-tasks makes it an intimidating piece of cutlery. The shortened “tbspn” is synonymous across all cookery books and he knows this. Making the other two spoons’ lives a misery; he’s even kicked out the elderly wooden spoon and relegated him to some form of “accessories pot” that’s left next to the hob. But what he has in brawn he lacks in brains. Tolerated, but not really respected by his peers, this is why he’ll never rule the roost.

3. The Butter Knife (The Muscle)

A goon of the cutlery drawer, this utensil comes out to play more often than children on their summer holidays. Used daily to cut, slice and butter bread he’s a reliable piece of equipment that doesn’t ask questions and just gets on with the job at hand. A loyal guy as well as a hard worker; everyone has time for the butter knife. Yet sadly it is often cast aside, seen as disposable once it’s served its purpose. How often have you seen a buttery knife at the bottom of the washing-up bowl, unclean and uncared for? Its only friend is a shallow pool of water and sometimes a dead teaspoon. An unpleasant image, but true nonetheless.

2. The Steak Knife (The Assassin)

Surrogated steel and a wooden handle give this suave piece of cutlery the confidence to stand alone from the rest of the drawer. Only called upon during those “special occasions”, the steak knife is lean, trim and deadly. Rarely seen but quietly intimidating; it’s probably having an affair with the dessert spoon and laughing behind the back of her thuggish husband. With a 100% success rate for cutting tough meats, this utensil simply bides its time until it’s called upon.

1. The Fork (The Godfather)

A pronged pillar of power, the fork is head honcho within the drawer. Although it lacks the versatility of the rest; the fork is proud, passionate and an authority figure to the other utensils. With the brutish knife as his right-hand man (or left-hand man if you’re left handed/ambidextrous) the fork knows the cutlery drawer inside out. He’s the go-to-guy if you need a problem sorting. As respected as it is feared, you’d notice if your fork went missing. Wouldn’t you?

So remember: Respect your cutlery... But not necessarily in equal measures.

Kurt Silverwood P.I.