Complaints

You don’t become as notorious as I without ruffling a few feathers along the way. I’ve worked on some extraordinary cases and had my fair share of scuffs, bruises and contusions throughout my long, illustrious career as a P.I. I’ve flung a man out of a moving Ford Capri going at over 20 mph on a B road; I’ve uppercut a 17 stone woman with a mullet; I’ve even drop kicked a pensioner on an electric mobility chair.

But when you go gung-ho into these situations, relying solely on instinct and not giving a moment’s pause for logical thought and consideration, mistakes can be made. Mistakes often lead to gripes and gripes lead to complaints.

So here, I offer a selection of letters that have been sent to me in the post, left anonymously on my doormat or delivered personally, attached to a brick through my office window.

Dear Mr Silverwood,

     I am writing regards a recent case you have been working on for my elderly mother, one Mrs Lucy Portly.

     I was shocked and appalled to hear that you have been hired by my mother (an 82 year old lady with onset dementia and a disposition for throwing money at strangers) to track down her daughter, a Miss Joan Portly.

I was even more disgusted to learn that you have been hired six times by my mother, investigating the same case to find the same person and accepting payment each time.

I am ultimately horrified to discover that on six occasions, you have dressed up as a woman, turned up at my mother’s doorstep and pretended to be the long-lost daughter Mr Silverwood has claimed to have discovered. You have accepted over £800 worth of expenses for dragging up and playing the part of Joan Portly, before disappearing and reappearing as the Private Investigator Kurt Silverwood, to offer my mother assistance in reuniting her with long lost family and starting the cycle again! Six times!!!

I AM MISS JOAN PORTLY! I SEE MY MOTHER AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE (once a year; sometimes twice if there’s a rainy Bank Holiday). I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN CONTACT WITH MY MOTHER AND THERE IS CERTAINLY NO NEED IN HER HIRING A SNIVELLING, LOW-LIFE P.I. FOR HER TO SEE ME (even though I am incredibly busy and have little time to actually stay in touch with her).

The only reason I am not contacting the police over this matter is because my mother now believes she has seen me six times this year already, which dramatically increases the amount of inheritance I shall be left in her will. For this, I thank you.

Keep away from my mother Mr Silverwood. Keep away from my family. And never, ever pretend to be me!

Yours angrily,

                           Joan Portly

***

Silverwood.

     I gave you £300 to do your job. You haven’t done that job. Make the most of your legs whilst you’ve still got ‘em sunshine. Watch your back.

           -Anon.

***

For the attention of: KURT SILVERWOOD P.I.

Mr Silverwood,

     It’s come to my attention that you have been following me around in a tatty old Lincoln for the past two weeks. With your large binoculars, your car's loud, grinding clutch and your 1940’s-throwback-fashion-sence, you’re about as surreptitious as a clown in a nunnery. Doing cartwheels. With his penis hanging out.

     It is obvious my wife has hired you to bring her photographic evidence that I am having an affair – which is fair enough considering I am having an affair. But you know this! You’ve known this for three weeks now! Me and my mistress have posed for your photographs on numerous occasions; photographs that we KNOW you’ve taken.

     I can only assume that you are being paid on a daily basis and you are fleecing my wife for as much money as she can afford before you present the evidence she wants. Well you should know Mr Silverwood, that it is I who gives my wife her spending money and you are cleaning me out of every penny I own!

     Give her the bloody photos so this whole thing can be over with and you can stop draining me of cash via my wife’s expenses!

     Get a move on man!

     Sincerely,

                                Geoff Langley.

A good man can admit his mistakes and his flaws. A great man doesn’t make any mistakes or flaws to admit to. I am somewhere in between; acknowledging that I make mistakes, but not necessarily admitting to them. I’d say that makes me pretty great.

Kurt Silverwood P.I.